Tonight on the first Nude Survivor, the fuzzy dots were at an alltime high. Nothing makes me more erect than a man’s blurred out privates on television, and tonight was no exception.
In fact, tonight’s survivor simply reiterated the MANY rules that we have learned from previous survivors and, in fact, from life. To those who think survivor is somehow FAKE, I say, you are a fool! Let me remind you that although they may use plastic skulls to decorate the set, the lessons that the show teaches us are very, very real.
really, the premiere of SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS was the most overtly political episode in a series that has been about politics all along. The major theme of the episode was that if you find yourself waving your penis around for no reason, it probably means that you are incapable of ejaculation. Of course, I agree, but, um, DUH. George Bush made this point with much more gusto MONTHS ago when he donned his crotch-hugging flight suit only to prove utterly incapable of, you know, getting the job done. i can hear my gentle lesbian readers groaning all over the world. Why must it always be about the phallus?
Other lessons we learned tonight were just as obvious. The unfortunate ejection of the hideously endearing Nicole Delma reminded us that women in large straw hats are always the first target– and also that Lady Scout Masters are wilier than their little scarves would lead one to believe. We learned that skinny nerds are unfairly ostracized. Shock after shock!
Of course, the least surprising revelation of SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS is that women with low voices are, without fail, just plain annoying. Although Christa Hastie’s racist opinions and tweaker tendencies did not make it into this episode, it didn’t prevent me for disliking her anyway– she bears the mark of the low voice! imagine sitting in front of her on a bus. It started out as just a pet theory of mine, but based on several recent incidents and tonight’s survivor, i’ve decided it’s a f*cking law of nature. women with low voices talk three times as much as the normal human being, and everything they say is three times LOUDER AND MORE ANNOYING.
Next time, Survivor, can you tell us something we didn’t already know?
Thank you for bein a friend,
OMG! survivor commentator