Co-founder of Dominos Pizza Tom Monaghan believes in a gospel perhaps more serious than that of a perfectly golden crisp crust and salty, delectable pepperonis. Since selling his shares in the pizza company in 1998 for a wopping $1 billion, Mr. Monaghan has been spending his fortune liberally. He has supported the likes of Sam Brownback, Rick Santorum, and other influential members of the anti-abortion crusade, and has also funded wacky conservative Catholic ventures all over the country.
His latest project: a Catholics-only town! A staunch Catholic himself, Mr. Monaghan has laid the groundwork for Ave Maria, FL (why do these things always happen in Florida?), a paradise of purity where the following could soon be real:
1. The only birth control for sale is hanging in your closet.
2. Pornography will not be sold, only downloaded for free from the Internet as Jesus intended.
3. All the pizzas (and Cheesy Bread) will bear a resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Mr. Monaghan had intended for Dominos to follow this formula, but the franchise system made it impossible.
4. Condoms can be purchased from prostitutes, but not the pharmacy.
5. Prostitutes must be Catholic and preferably on the “DL.”
6. Ave Maria University: the first Catholic university built in forty years. In the middle of the campus will stand “the nation’s largest crucifix in stained glass with a 60′ high bleeding Jesus.” In addition, the students, who will have “higher median SAT scores than those attending other Catholic institutions,” will be strongly encouraged to become priests or nuns.
Planners of the new city expect the population to reach 30,000 by the year 2016, thanks in no small part to the lack of available contraceptive products.
(Thanks to Scott for the tip!)