!! How to rank the Paradise Monkeys !!

“You know that movie Braveheart? You know how proud all those guys were of their country and how such a little country like Scotland could beat a big country like England? Well I’m proud to have that in me, and someone with Scottish and Italian blood like me doesn’t take things lying down.” – very loosely quoted on Zack’s yammering tonight on Paradise Hotel.
I also hear he has lawyer in him, though who’s lawyer it is could be anyone’s guess. Dumb as he is, Zack is quite sexy, especially when he is struggling for the right words (which is darn often) and he gets that hot, dumb bro look in his eyes. It just makes me want him to slap me right across my bitch face, call me a whore, and tell me to cook him a Sloppy Joe. And I would. Oh yes.

I got a little distracted there for a minute from the main purpose of my post tonight, which is to RANK every member of Paradise Hotel in order of ugliest to hottest. I imagine this list will spark some controversy, but I’m not afraid of dissidents. Bring it on!

Boys Girls
Totally Busted The all-around unattractive and most-likely to have a micropenis award goes to Scott. I was going to put Amy in last place, but I took pity on her since she is the only obvious future spousal abuse victim, so the hideous gorgon award goes to Toni! Watch her when her eyes go all crazy…
Almost Irredeemable Matt may be in a band, but he is boring and not cute. Maybe next time, loser! Amy gets sympathy points for her inevitably battered future, but she is otherwise an illtempered, loudmouthed warthog.
There must be something Andon gets points for trying to be the most obviously sneaky on tonight’s episode, but whoops, he failed, and he has crappy tattoos to match his ugly meat face. Which contestant has no personality at all and has bad highlights (and to think, she’s a hair stylist!)? I forget her name… oh yeah, Kristen.
A glimmer of… Okay, I just felt bad for Dave because Alex picked on his ears and everyone is always making him cry, but enough is enough. Even though she is pretty, Holly is ranked here because Scott has undoubtedly come on her tits. Ew!!
Sort of hot, but… If his pecs were a little smaller and he wasn’t so dull, Keith would be rated higher, but he got this far for looking like Mr. Stallone in his younger years. Even though no one voted to let her back into Paradise tonight, Amanda gets a higher rank than some because she was Beau’s girlfriend for a few episodes even though she’s kind of homely. Quite the achievement!
My interest is piqued Beau is like totally hot, especially when he’s flexing his torso muscles and yelling in a primal way, but I have to take away points for the soul patch. Tonight’s vote was between Kavita and Melanie, both lovely ladies in their own right, but apparently the residents of Paradise prefer a slightly spoiled egg white omelet to the extra spicy huevos rancheros.
Is it getting hot in here? Oh Tom, I love you even though you’re fat. I think it’s the cleft in your chin, or your tan skin, or your gentle way. It’s certainly not your weird stuffed monkey. You have to respect her for her mind. Charla has come a long way and may be the one to win the ULTIMATE PRIZE, but that will not take away the fact that she has a frog face.
My palms are sweating I already talked about my affection for this rough-around-the-edges, quick-tempered stud, but I could fill pages talking about Zack‘s appeal. For now just look at the way he chews gum: ouch! She can raise one eyebrow in an unseemly manner and give a deep, painful massage. Beyond that, Desiree actually seemed eager to be the “chocolate sauce for their vanilla ice cream sundae.” Double kudos for that statement.
Oh so sexy Between his boyish charm and the time he picked on Dave’s ears, Alex reminds me of the assholes I used to fantasize about in junior high school, only totally hot and willing to make out. He is the winner. I was undecided about who to crown “most beautiful woman in Paradise” until tonight, when Tara appeared on the scene wearing a bright orange, off-the-shoulder top, pink lipstick, and enough foundation to cover a drag queen at 3am. She sat down to take a tongue-lashing from Toni, all the while pursing her lips in a most seductive way and sipping her blue drink. A touch of class to win it all. Congratulations, Tara!
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6 Comments on "How to rank the Paradise Monkeys"

  1. Look despite all you say about how unhot these people are or how hot they are, we have to admit as a participant of life that half of these people would only be cool dead. You know in the rememberance of things past way,

  2. alright! i’ve gotta admit. i agree that tara kicks ass! however, i must disagreee with the guy arena! keith, although a complete retard at times, is hot enough to beat out the other brutes and zach must fall from grace as his PWT element knocks him down to Toni status (AKA UGLY). So, it ould hve to be Tara #1 and Charla #2 mopstly because she is a doll and personality has to count for something. As for the guys, Keith as stated previously is #1 with Dave number #2 again personality all the way. The rest, who really cares as long as Amy, Toni and Kristin are at the bottom of the skank chart and Zach and Beau hang out toward the bottom where moron-mean-wannabe-popular people belong. !!!!!!!!!!!- ;0

  3. Just so you know, in order to post this I’m forced take a break from writing copy for the photo insert for the Dirty Dancing II book(God I’m important).
    First of all I must agree with Frank’s ranking Alex as cutest, Zach as 2nd (even though he is an asshole) and Tom as #3 (there is just something very genuine about him) However, when he spoke about this last night Frank was totally insistant that Beau was the cutest which I fully had to disagree with. He also claimed that Keith is super hot–which he so is not! As far as the girls go, for me Tara and Keith rank side by side in a world of busted trying too hardness. Both ugly. Charla the Barbie girl is by far the prettiest, and Kavita has a distinct resemblance to Tori Spelling.

  4. i mean, why can’t zack from paradice hotel be more like zack from saved by the bell.
    sbtb was so obviously a better show.

  5. actually on second look it doesn’t look that enormous (i think the erection ends sort of in the middle of the pant-crease.) but it is still an obvious erection, NO QUESTION.

  6. um, is it just me or can you see the entire outline of ALEX’S enormous erection in that picture??!

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