!! OMG Stars: December 2023 Horoscopes !!

The last time I wrote horoscopes (all the way back in July) they were a deep dive into Venus and her retrograde movements. This happens to me sometimes: I laser-focus on one element of the astrological weather and go deep looking into it.

Three hours into writing those horoscopes I hadn’t done anything more than track Venus’ movement back about 200 years. The horoscopes were a careful and pretty mathematical look at where Venus would be in your charts and how you might feel her.

I mention this now as an announcement of my intention to now do the exact opposite. This current astrology is busy. Mercury is about to station retrograde; Venus is moving through the dregs of Scorpio where she will oppose Uranus in Taurus; Mars (who has been conjunct the sun for weeks) is in Sagittarius where he is about to square Neptune during those weird days between Christmas and New Years; Saturn is newly back in Pisces;  The astrology of this month is like a huge party: everyone’s there:

Venus is drunk texting her ex and flirting with both Jupiter and Uranus. Mercury and Mars are doing shots, but Mercury was supposed to be in charge of ordering the food and got too drunk instead. Mars got in a fight with Neptune and Saturn but those guys are huge and Mars bit off more than he could chew. He’s gonna leave the night with his tail between his legs and wake up in January with a killer hangover (in Capricorn). It’s all a lot.

So instead of writing about a specific aspect, part of your chart, or prediction, I’m going to speak about how your sign deals with overwhelm through this extended metaphor of a party and somewhat arbitrary gender associations for each sign.

These particular horoscopes are flexible and you can read for different parts of your chart as feels useful or interesting. They were fun to write: I hope they’re fun to read in this busy, intense month.

As for me, I’ll have my Cancer-rising self huddled at home until it’s over.

Amelia

Find your full horoscope after the jump!

Horoscopes are written using whole house calculations and are meant as inspiration and affirmation of what you already know about yourself. You can access your birth chart at astro.com or many other apps and websites using your birth date, time, and location. If you’re interested in getting a reading, you can book one with Amelia here. 

Sagittarius

The archetype of your sign at a party really is the lifeblood of that party. Sagittarius’ love of fun, of adventure, of a good story, means that Sag is a good candidate to be the entertainment at a party. If we could imagine Sagittarius as one person, or a person with an entire chart in Sagittarius (impossible, horrifying), it would be to have the image of the party’s entertainment embroiled into one character: This is the fun guy at an ’80s teen movie party scene in a huge house, wearing a lampshade on his head singing into a hairbrush and doing keg stands (side note: have those kinds of parties ever actually existed?).

He may be the reason Pisces is drunk crying. Somewhere in the party, close to Sagittarius, you’ll find Gemini feeding him all the ideas of what to do next. However you relate to your Sagittarian side, I invite you to seek the fun, the adventure, and the good story to tell later in your activities this month.

Capricorn

So I’m not saying this applies to you, personally, Capricorn: I need you to remember that the twelve signs of the zodiac are archetypes and that people are made up of complex combinations of these signs, so when I describe Capricorn at a party I’m not describing you personally. Don’t email us angrily is what I’m saying. Okay, I have written my legal disclaimer.

And now: Capricorn is the archetypal figure you do not want at a party. Capricorn isn’t so much at the party as he is the dad showing up telling those kids to keep that noise down. Worst case scenario he’s the cop showing up to address the noise complaints from the neighbors. While this is notably bummer vibes, it also means that Capricorn at the party actually holds all the power and the responsibility.

Who realizes that Pisces has been crying for an hour? Party Daddy. My point is, Capricorn isn’t known for fun, but everyone needs to have fun. So however your Capricorn side expresses itself, remember that fun is important, life giving, and even a source of power.

Aquarius

There is a party, it’s crowded, tons of people are around, everyone’s having a great time. Where is Aquarius? I don’t ask that question to set up an answer, I really ask it to wonder, where is Aquarius in this configuration? Aquarius doesn’t really fit into the party, the group chat, the family, or whatever other unit may be in question.

Aquarius knows every high level detail about the party—where is it? When should I get there and when is everyone else likely to arrive? What time will Pisces start drunk crying?—but maybe doesn’t know so much about the “Hi, how’s it going? How’s it been? Oh, I’m all right.” side of the party. Aquarius is the forever alien of the zodiac, studying the humans and knowing everything about them except how to be a real boy (I think I just conflated Pinocchio with aliens: anyway, both are Aquarius).

This may describe you to a fine point or you may feel alienated by the concept itself, but I encourage you to engage with your Aquarian side this party season by doing the most Aquarius of all party acts: sitting alone in the bathroom on your phone.

Pisces

Okay, Pisces. I’ve let you be the butt of the joke in this party metaphor for awhile. Just so you know, all the other signs are making jokes about you drunk crying. They’ve all had a good laugh about it, but Pisces, on the other hand, has had to deal with Sagittarius’ brutal jokes, Scorpio’s unwelcome news, Capricorn’s patronizing hovering, Gemini’s ceaseless gossip, and endless other prods.

So if everyone could cut Pisces some slack, please, because it’s a lot. Pisces is the person at the party who, without anyone realizing it, has been there holding everyone else’s emotional state for them. All the boisterousness, happiness, angst, discomfort, sadness gets filtered through the air and into Pisces’ consciousness through the unquestionable power of vibes.

Your empathetic self deals with a lot in a crowd: Don’t let other people’s judgments about your feelings be among it.

Aries

It’s hard for me to think of the archetype of Aries at a party without thinking about it being their own birthday party. This image is definitely the kid who gets mad they don’t get presents at someone else’s birthday, or Jimbo trussed up in bridal wear shouting “IT’S MY SPECIAL DAY.” Which, as I’ve disclaimed elsewhere, doesn’t mean you’re going to be this baby at a party (you might be, though).

It can be tiring for others, sure Aries, and Pisces is crying and could use your confidence boosting, but remember that if other people are mad that you’re not afraid to ask for what you need, that’s not about you—it’s about them. You can modulate the way you ask for your needs, sure, but not every sign of the zodiac is as comfortable communicating their desires as as you. You don’t need to let their jealousy bother you. Just embody this song and be yourself.

Taurus

Those of you who look at astrology memes probably know the joke that’s coming: where is Taurus at the party? Find the snack table. It’s so predictable I can’t even write it as a joke. It’s not a joke, really, it’s a description, and simply a stated fact. The sign about the physical pleasures of life is probably, at a party, going to be near the food (depending on what kind of party it is and what kind of pleasures are available).

So okay, Taurus, your sign deals with this kind of reductive nonsense all the time; people love to make fun of you for it, but something I always say to people with Taurus placement is that it really makes life so much easier. Finding pleasure in the things that are made to bring us pleasure is so much easier than finding pleasure in, say, mining the depths of the psyche and getting too drunk and crying (like Pisces).

A party, especially one with good food, drink, and comfortable places to sit, is an ideal place for Taurus to lean into yourself. Enjoy the cheese platter.

Gemini

I’d suggest you read Sagittarius’ horoscope to get the full perspective on your evening, Gemini, becuase I’ve already promised them that you’re going to have some great ideas for things they can try. Many people at the party are expecting you to come with good gossip, information, scandal, stories, and chatter.

If you’re out of ideas, I’d recommend sitting next to Scorpio for awhile, they’re carrying all the secrets you could spread. Pisces might have some information, too, but they’ve had a rough night so don’t pry. Remember, Gemini, that in this stereotype I’ve set up that sees you as something of a a dilettante busybody, that it’s not just about spreading information: the center of the universe for Gemini in general is information.

You love to learn, you love to soak up whatever you can and put it in your cavernous mind for later. In this way, a party is absolutely the best environment for you. Where else could you gain access to so much social information? Soak it up and use January to sort through it.

Cancer

Well Cancer, all the other signs have spent the whole night making fun of Pisces for crying, and in this imagined zodiacal archetype situation, I can simply imagine how much you’ve had it. It’s all well and good for them to roll their eyes or try to pass Pisces a drink, but who is actually listening to what they have to say? Who is actually comforting them, who is in the bathroom holding their hair back? It’s certainly not Aries, we know that much.

While all this is happening, someone needs to be taking care of the peoples around you. Your good friend Virgo is on top of the dishes, but someone needs to be there for the people themselves, and Cancer, that is your power. The issue for you, as is often the case, is to make sure your care and comfort are welcome. It’s so easy for Cancerian people to force your care on those around you: it actually makes you feel better, too.

Take some advice from pastel Instagram infographics and RuPaul, and make sure you care for yourself instead of just everyone around you.

Leo

When Leo goes to the party he needs everyone to know. There can be a lot of ways he shows up, of course: sometimes he’s in a lousy mood and didn’t want to come. Maybe he got great news and wants to share it. Or he had a strange encounter on the way and wants to recount the story. Whichever version of it (or you) is showing up, the important thing is that Leo needs to feel seen by the group.

“I had a shitty subway ride here,” says Leo, because saying it and having someone sympathize gets the experience out of their body and into the air. “Look at the colour I just painted my kitchen,” says Leo, because having someone admire it helps them feel validated for having done it. “Let’s go to the porch to complain about everyone,” Leo says to a few good friends, because Leo needs the solidarity of irritation. “Wow, Pisces has been crying for awhile,” Leo says, because someone has to.

Leo doesn’t take space at the party for the sake of taking it, and that misconception can be painful for Leo: Leo expresses himself in the group because Leo is in constant search of a shared experience. Invincibility is anathema, appreciation (or commiseration) is lifeblood.

Virgo

A few hours into the party, if you can’t find the Virgo you came with, I offer you the ultimate guide to finding the Virgo: what you need to do is look for the thing that hasn’t been done yet, and there find the Virgo. Are the dishes in a pile and the hosts having fun? Virgo is doing the dishes. Is Sagittarius trying to drive home after three drinks? Virgo is calling them a cab. Is Pisces crying? Virgo is listening.

Virgo might be the prototypical helper that Mr. Rogers taught American pre-schoolers to seek. So you, Virgo, become the help that the rest of us rely on but don’t think of. “Oh wow, you didn’t have to do those dishes!” say the hosts. “Those were virgin margaritas,” says Sagittarius. “I’m fine, really,” says Pisces. My point is: when shit is thick, when the party is raging, when there is more going on than you can control, you need to ask yourself, Virgo, who are you helping by helping?

You might help the hosts more by having a drink, or the Sagittarius more by letting them go, or the Pisces—okay, the Pisces will still be crying and the two of you will always be in this relationship, so that’s its own thing, but my point is—figure out if the shit needs fixing before you try to fix it this month, Virgo.

Libra

For you, Libra, I’ve made a playlist about your party experience, from getting ready to going home. I tried to choose songs that *say it all* in the title alone, but they all have it in the lyrics, and resonate for me, for you, beyond just that. Enjoy your night.

“Labels or Love” – Fergie

“Flawless” – Beyoncé

“Devil or Angel” – Bobby McVee

“Hot n Cold” – Katy Perry

“Torn” – Natalie Imbruglia

“Hey Boy Hey Girl” – The Chemical Brothers

“Gossip Folks” – Missy Elliott

“Focus” – Charli XCX

“Do I Look Like A Slut?” – Avenue D

“Torn Between Two Lovers” -Mary MacGregor

“I Can’t Make Up My Mind” – The Zombies

“Learn to Keep Your Mouth Shut, Owen Pallett” – Owen Pallett

“Should I Stay or Should I Go” – The Clash

“Ass Like That” – Victoria Monét

“Hold On, Hold On” – Neko Case

I hope this fuels your new year’s eve. Go commiserate with Pisces.

Scorpio

I mean this so deeply, Scorpio: Everyone wants to hang out with you at the party for at least a little while. Some people are gonna want to hang on for the whole night, deep in conversation, over a drink or five or a smoke or whatever, some just to drop in and ask for someone’s name, but whatever it is, Scorpio at the party is the archetype of the mysterious person in the corner who somehow knows everyone’s shit.

Scoprio is the one who told Pisces that thing that made them cry into their drink for an hour. Find Scorpio on the balcony with the smokers or parked in the corner spot on the sofa waiting while people come their way. As you approach a busy season of parties, think about the ways that this role feeds you, and also think of all your best secrets to spill over a lambrusco.

OMG Stars is our astrology column written by queer astrologer Amelia Ehrhardt (@amelia.np.e). At the beginning of each new astrological season, Amelia interprets the upcoming astrology with a focus on how to navigate current events (astrological and global).