!! Who has seen Tom Cruise’s secret baby? !!

In the most unshocking news to date, Page Six reports that not even close friends of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have seen mysterious Baby Suri. I suspect that not even Tom and Katie have seen her, at least outside of their imaginations. It’s like a visualization exercise. If you tell enough papers, the baby starts to seem real, even three dimensional, and so you buy it a crib and adorable little outfits, but you don’t show it to anyone, because you know deep down they just wouldn’t understand.

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