I was recently watching Kirk Cameron on public access and was almost tempted to forsake my manloving ways in order to become a scary Christian lunatic. (Those Camerons can be so persuasive, right???) But just as I was about to give myself eternally to Christ, I remembered the one suckiest thing about Christianity: Jesus hates cute dogs and catties! In fact when the Rapture comes, even the most Christlike of pets are going to be left behind. Really, Frank, how much fun will Paradise be if you’re worried about who’s feeding poor little Andy?
Well luckily for our Jesusy friends, a nice group of atheists has gotten together to make sure that the world’s abandoned Christian pets will be cared for when their owners are partying with Christ post-apocalypse-style. Quoth Earthbound-Pets:
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
And they’ll only charge $110 for it– a bargain if you consider how expensive Fancy Feast is sure to be come the Judgment Day. Thank God for the Left Behind! (I wonder if they’re hiring?)
(Thanks to Daniel for the tip!)
“…worried about who’s feeding poor little Andy?” Are you calling me a pet?! I may be a boy toy, but I am certainly noones pet :p
@ Ron:
Sorry Ron, but when it comes to Medieval philosopical ideas, Christianity has them coming out the ying yang. Personally, I find a gay Christian about as logical as gay Republican.
All I know is my first kitty is in “heaven” waiting for me and my current two have their reservations booked. As for me, well, I’m gay, so I’m going to hell! 🙂
Great post! The christians won’t need their money after the rapture anyway:P
This is your first post? A little offensive I may say. I hope you don’t assume that there are no gay Christian men out there, or gay men who believe in God in one way, shape or form. Anyway, good luck with the new job. Also, Christianity actually has no official teaching on the potential eternal life of animals. The idea of animals not going to heaven is a medieval philosophical idea and not one that many Christians hold or believe in.