!! OMG, She Likes the Pole and The Hole: Vanessa Carlton !!

Freshfaced early ’00’s songstress Vanessa “Not Michelle Branch” Carlton, whose song was a big hit on the radio the summer I lived with Frank on 108th Street (omg we were such babies! Did I even have pubes?! Now I’m depressed 🙁 !), has announced that she’s “makin’ her way downtown” indeed– all the way down to the cooch part of the city!
That’s right: Ms. Carlton has come out as a “proud bisexual.” That means she likes both penises and vaginas. Oh, wait, I’m sorry– it means she loves a person for the person, not for their private parts. Or something like that. Well I don’t f*cking know, don’t look at me!
Wait, who’s Vanessa Carlton again? Oh, that’s right… she sings that song about the– you know. Right? I remember that one!
Happy Bisexuality Day, Vanessa! Here’s the free publicity. Use it wisely– you can only come out once! (Actually you could probably make it work two or three times with the help of a good publicist, but anyway.) Congratulations I guess.

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